It's one thing to learn the rules of thumb teachers and editors have devised over many years from their readings, 'rules' for making written language clearer, more forceful, more beautiful or allusive or communicative or whatever the writer meant. But it's sometimes another thing altogether to practice these techniques, since sentences and phrases don't come with labels – "redundant," "awkward," "clichéd." Seeing ways to improve a sentence or thinking of a better replacement phrase is a skill, specifically the skill of rewriting, and one you can improve with practice. So you and I will look at individual examples of such revisions here (at least those that occur to me!). No doubt you or the original writers of the paragraphs would revise them differently, attaining different improvements for different purposes. You won't find general suggestions here for how to improve your writing style; we'll look only at specific changes to a specific text and the effects they have. With the unparalleled million-word toolkit we have in the English language, almost every longish sentence we speak or write is one no one has ever spoken or written before, so the multiplicity of possible changes is a historically unparalleled opportunity, almost every time!

While these samples draw from several essays in the file cabinet, my revisions are not criticism of them. I chose good essays in part to show that even material already deemed academically successful is still open to improvement, and in part because the better the quality of the original draft, the more challenging the rewriting (my own vanity, in short). Please keep in mind the purposes of the original essays were probably different from what I have guessed: This is a rewriting exercise, not an evaluation of academic achievement. In some cases (like the first), I've also introduced selected gaffés and boners to illustrate various points.

Here's the first example:

It had been clearly revealed by my findings that – because this field dealt with people, a deep understanding of human psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce, and the ability to implement programs that deal with productivity – improvement and total quality management perspectival approaches are essentially required. Human resources professionals often perform many of the institutional functions of other corporate managers; therefore, supporting studies could possibly include other business and management subjects in order to understand how organizations function. Of major importance in the future of my profession will be helping people adapt to the increasingly high-tech, global, multicultural and team-oriented workplace.

Let's go through this paragraph one sentence at a time: the first ...

It had been clearly revealed by my findings that – because this field dealt with people, a deep understanding of human psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce, and the ability to implement programs that deal with productivity – improvement and total quality management perspectival approaches are essentially required.

The sentence makes several good points, but very murkily because of the unnecessary complexity of the grammatical structure. Some things are inherently complex and hard to explain for that reason, but the language of the explanation should be as clear and simple as can still capture the meaning the writer intends. Let's change the initial clause to: "I found ..." This means the same thing as "it was revealed by my findings that ..." and puts the point both more succinctly and more clearly. It is almost always better to favor shorter expressions and (as here) to convert passive-voice sentences into the active – not "it was found by me ...," but "I found ....".

Next part: "because this field deals with people ..." But surely this is not what the writer means. The field is an abstract object and does not deal with anything; it consists of various disciplines that its practitioners use in various ways. So let's be more accurate and change the phrase to "because practitioners in this field always and only deal with other people ...."

Next section: "... a deep understanding of psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce, and the ability to implement programs that deal with productivity ...." But this doesn't connect very clearly to the previous part of the sentence! What's going on here? The long, quasi-periodic sentence (explained in a moment), holds off the meaning until the verb at the very end: "improvement and total quality management are essentially required."

Sometimes a periodic sentence, a sentence whose meaning is never clear until the very end, can have powerful effect, as in "We here highly resolve that government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from the earth." But a structure that works admirably in Lincoln's most dramatic speech, delivered in the still smoking and bloody fields at Gettysburg after the most devastating but important military battle in American history, is just too grand in a degree program rationale. Let's simplify the sentence and separate it into several independent statements rather than one complex clause.

I found a total quality management approach essential. Human resources practitioners deal always and only with people, so they must understand psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce; and they must be able to implement productivity programs.

Now we've tightened the language up somewhat and separated thoughts a bit more clearly. Tightening language is not always, contrary to what you sometimes hear, a good thing – it can make your writing sound like an old-fashioned telegram ("Found TQM essential stop HR pros deal w/people stop Need pscyh and soc stop"). But the change above does convey the meaning more clearly. Breaking the sentences up or making independent clauses of them, makes it easier for the reader to follow the writer's thought. I replaced the word "professionals," by the way, because it recurs in a less replaceable context in the next sentence. Moving along....

Human resources professionals often perform many of the functions of other corporate managers; therefore, supporting studies could include other business and management subjects in order to understand how organizations function.

This sentence is somewhat clearer than the earlier originals, but perhaps a few changes could help here, too. First, let's just eliminate a few words:

HR professionals are also corporate managers, so their studies should include general business and management studies to understand how the whole organization functions.

What have we done specifically? We cut down "human resources" to the received business acronym, HR; we eliminated the accurate but irrelevant qualifications "often" and "many"; we reduced the ponderous "therefore" to the plainer but fully synonymous "so"; and finally swapping the phrase "in order to" with all its unnecessary 'contraption factor' for the perfectly adequate "to." ...Next....

Of major importance in the future of my profession will be helping people adapt to the increasingly high-tech, global, multicultural and team-oriented workplace.

This is probably the best sentence in the original paragraph, but one thing we miss is the personal touch. The writer is, after all, speaking of his own career preparation plans; we see his desk, his bookshelf, his in- and out-boxes, but not him. Why not change the sentence to something like:

My most important professional goal will be to help people adapt to the increasingly high-tech, global, multicultural and team-oriented workplace of the future.

But there are still a few quibbles: "high-tech" is very nearly a cliché. If there's a difference between "global" and "multicultural," it's not important to this essay. Perhaps a further revision would read:

My most important professional goal will be to help people adapt to the increasingly technical, multicultural and team-oriented workplace of the future.

Now we'll put our changes together for a whole-paragraph readthrough, and compare it to the original version on the right:

I found a total quality management approach essential. Human resources practitioners deal always and only with people, so they must understand psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce; and they must be able to implement productivity programs. HR professionals are also corporate managers, so their studies should include general business and management skills to understand how the whole organization functions. My most important professional goal will be to help people adapt to the increasingly technical, multicultural and team-oriented workplace of the future.

It had been clearly revealed by my findings that - because this field dealt with people, a deep understanding of human psychology and sociology, the changing nature of work and the workforce, and the ability to implement programs that deal with productivity - improvement and total quality management perspectival approaches are essentially required. Human resources professionals often perform many of the institutional functions of other corporate managers; therefore, supporting studies could possibly include other business and management subjects in order to understand how organizations function. Of major importance in the future of my profession will be helping people adapt to the increasingly high-tech, global, multicultural and team-oriented workplace.

Is it perfect now? Of course not. This has been one readthrough, one rewriting, one revision of the original paragraph. You could certainly improve this version in turn by several more readthroughs, but this exercise should have shown part of the process. If this effort has been successful, the rewritten version on the left is not only shorter, but clearer as well, than the first draft.

Now we'll turn to our next example:

My goal at Empire State College is to successfully complete a degree program: not just any degree program, but a degree program that will bring satisfaction to me upon completion and fulfillment to others when applied. Because of my many career interests, I have decided to work on an associates level at this time. Out of a personal concern for our children and their futures, I am considering a career in teaching, psychology, or counseling. I will be taking courses that will provide me with a strong foundation for any one of these fields. However, I feel the need to explore the basics for all of these areas in order to develop a clear and primary focus for my bachelors degree.

This paragraph shows style strengths and weaknesses different from our first example. The writing is simpler and more direct, but that can also involve too much simplicity and directness. Let's look at the sentences one at a time again.

My goal at Empire State College is to successfully complete a degree program: not just any degree program, but a degree program that will bring satisfaction to me upon completion and fulfillment to others when applied.

The first thing that strikes us is the repetition of the phrase "degree program" three times just in the first clause. Sometimes repetition can be an effective device, but not as here when accidental. Let's make this our first change:

My goal at Empire State College is to complete not just any degree program, but a special one, first bringing satisfaction to me and later helping those I serve.

This eliminates the nuance of uncertainty conveyed by the unnecessary word "successfully" (after all, if you complete a program at all, you complete it successfully), avoids the counterproductive repetition and makes the ending read more easily (what does "fulfillment to others when applied" mean, anyway?). Are we there yet? No. There are some other changes that spring to mind. Who are the likely readers of a degree program rationale? Surely the faculty and staff of the college, all of whom one supposes know the name of the school. What do you gain by reminding them? So we can say:

My degree program goal will be special, something first bringing satisfaction to me in my studies and later helping those I serve in my life's work.

Not bad for a first revision of the sentence; let's go on to the next one:

Because of my many career interests, I have decided to work on an associates level at this time.

Does this sentence sound perhaps as though the writer meant something just a bit different? After noticing the unnecessary word "successful" earlier, it seems that the writer may harbor some questions about the whole enterprise of a course of studies leading to something years away. This would hardly be a surprise; the caution is perfectly rational. Why not let the reader know? Why not deal the cards face up, as in:

But I don't know for sure what I want for my life's work, so I've decided to concentrate on an associate's degree for now.

This makes clear, in a perfectly unapologetic way, both the extent and the limits the writer intends for the degree program (naturally, I have no idea whether this construal really corresponds to the intentions of the original writer). Sometimes a writer may appropriately intend to deceive his reader, but not here. Moving along to the next two sentences:

Out of a personal concern for our children and their futures, I am considering a career in teaching, psychology, or counseling. I will be taking courses that will provide me with a strong foundation for any one of these fields.

I'm taking these together, you will have guessed, because I plan to make them into a single sentence. The meanings of each connect closely enough, and there isn't enough material, actually, to warrant separate statements. Let's try:

Since I am concerned about children and their futures, I'm considering teaching, psychology or counseling and courses for a foundation in these fields.

Here's why I suggest some of the changes: there is no concern but personal concern, so the adjective is superfluous. The "our" before children seemed forced and artificial, even excessively paternalistic. Teaching, psychology and counseling are already careers, so we can drop that word. And what kind of foundation would anyone want but a 'strong' one?
The last sentence:

However, I feel the need to explore the basics for all of these areas in order to develop a clear and primary focus for my bachelors degree.

What does this mean? And didn't we just hear the writer say the objective of the degree program was an associate's degree? Is the writer toying with the idea of a more extended course of study, or fishing for the suggestion from the reader/teacher? We don't know. Again, I don't want to put words in the writer's mouth, so I claim nothing for the actual original intention. But perhaps the writer might have meant something like:

Perhaps, once I explore the basics of these areas during my associate's program, I might discover a primary focus for a future bachelor's degree.

That may or may not have been the writer's intention, but this sentence captures a clear meaning, if that was the one meant. Now let's look at them back together again as a paragraph and compare our revision to the first version:

My degree program goal will be special,something first bringing satisfaction to me in my studies and later helping those I serve in my life's work. Since I am concerned about children and their futures,I'm considering teaching, psychology or counseling and courses for a foundation in these fields. But I don't know for sure what I want for my life's work, so I've decided to concentrate on an associate's degree for now. Perhaps, once I explore the basics of these areas during my associate's program, I might discover a primary focus for a future bachelor's degree.

My goal at Empire State College is to successfully complete a degree program: not just any degree program, but a degree program that will bring satisfaction to me upon completion and fulfillment to others when applied. Because of my many career interests, I have decided to work on an associates level at this time. Out of a personal concern for our children and their futures, I am considering a career in teaching, psychology, or counseling. I will be taking courses that will provide me with a strong foundation for any one of these fields. However, I feel the need to explore the basics for all of these areas in order to develop a clear and primary focus for my bachelors degree.

You should see the same effect of rewriting as was (hopefully) apparent in the first example.